Ioana
Aloha.
Oana
We’re back with yet another episode of the Feminine Uncut podcast. And if the last one was really a hot subject and on fire, we’re going to dive into something more subtle or more intense. For us, we’ve meant, which is motherhood, because most of you really challenged me as a fresh mother to talk about my experience, but also explore femininity and motherhood together. So you asked and we deliver. But before we start, I’m Oana, your host, and founder of TheFeminine.com, and we’re an online platform dedicated to women all over the world. Our mission revolves around a totally new paradigm of how to take care of yourself as a woman. Soul, body, emotions, everything. And our belief is that if you acknowledge and include the feminine principle and the feminine practice in your daily lives, you can totally transform the way you live, love, and work. For the past 15 years, I’ve been a coach and I’ve dedicated my last 80 years to women all over the world to embrace their voice, follow their hearts on their power, and really embrace and express their womanhood. The feminine is the embodiment of my coaching method, and it brings together tried and true body of work with the intention to meet all the questions, concerns, curiosities, self-care, sensuality, female sexuality, empowerment, career, relationships, sisterhood, and everything in between.
Oana
So let’s start. Ioana is my partner today on Motherhood, and she really came with I have no idea how to talk about motherhood because I am so far away from the subject, but I challenge her to be part of the conversation as the person who’s still avoiding the energy of motherhood while I’m totally immersed in it and see that this dance can work as well. So you’re not welcome.
Ioana
Oh, my God, this is so difficult for me. It’s not, like, challenging. It gives me the creeps. So I will stay very brief in this podcast. I will just ask you some questions we received from listeners and members of our community who really want to know very precise things about motherhood. But to have a smooth entrance, please promise me when it’s yours, it’s different. Because for me, relating to one, I mean, I adore her. I could spend hours just looking at her. And when I see her, it doesn’t matter how or what I felt before. I’m in tears. This is the most wonderful thing ever. But seeing the whole chaos, can I call it chaos? It is chaos surrounding the baby and motherhood. It makes me feel I’m never going to be able to do it. So promise me that when it’s your baby, it’s different.
Oana
I don’t have to promise you it is that way. And the fears we associate with motherhood before becoming mothers, and it’s a very chronic symptom around women. Women do have that fear around motherhood, and young women have that fear as well. And it’s way associated with infertility. And I’ve experienced it as well. I’ve come to see that fear is part of the process, but it’s inauthentic. It’s like a psychological fear, because the actual experience of motherhood brings so many resources in our resources in the game of it, and in the process of it, that fear just melts away. So you have it before being a mother. And it dissipates the moment you are a mother and not like giving birth, but like being pregnant or during the pregnancy, because the nine months you carry your baby in the belly, you become a mother. It’s not only that he becomes a human and then you deliver it to the world. You are also becoming a mother. And your baby is part of that process of growing into motherhood. He’s giving you everything for you to have that inner birth.
Ioana
There is hope.
Oana
Oh, totally there is hope right over the corner.
Ioana
And it’s organic.
Oana
You don’t have to study the most intuitive and organic process I’ve ever experienced.
Ioana
Okay. Speaking about organic and intuitive, one of the most frequent questions we keep on receiving about motherhood is how you balance motherhood with femininity. Because most of the questions we received made me feel like women put motherhood and femininity on two different tables when in fact, they are confused about whether they are of the same things. But motherhood is just an aspect of femininity. It’s not something different from femininity.
Oana
I don’t think they fuse. I think that’s the problem that we kind of overlap motherhood with femininity for a long time because motherhood is so sucking of everything in the first months and years of the baby. You are only a mother, literally. There’s no energy and time and space to be anything else. The baby needs so much of you that the energy of the mother archetype just totally surrenders and totally gives everything to the baby. So the fusing part is the dysfunction and in a way where we’re keeping it separate because we don’t know how to steal nourish ourselves as women while we are mothers. I think nowadays we’ve started doing some progress because we’ve started integrating the support system. And I think the support system is essential and crucial in motherhood, especially the first newborn because unless you actually can rely on trustworthy, rely on other people to deal with your little baby, you won’t be able to nourish your femininity. But most of the time our psyche is a split experience because motherhood belongs to one grand archetype, the archetype of the mother, and femininity belongs to the wild woman. And they have historically, psychically, and collectively have been.
Ioana
That’s why so many women tell us or write to you specifically. How can I feel a woman again? I don’t feel feminine anymore. That’s where it comes from.
Oana
It’s a split in the psyche. And then there’s a reality on the court where the baby is taking everything, and we do not know how to create support structures and receive that support. One of the greatest challenges for me as a mother right now is the support structure and support system. And it’s not only about having people around me to take care of the baby. It’s how I contract and negotiate the terms of that support for me on many levels so that those people reflect my desire as a parent in how to take care of Anna. So I’m actually dealing with it. I’ve recently contacted my coach again to work with me and my partner and kind of, like, work with me and the things that come up for me in asking and receiving support around raising Anna, because I definitely can do it on my own. If I’m going to do just that, then I’ll just take care of the rest of my life. But I’m more than that. I have a career, I have projects. I’m a woman. So I want everything on the plate. And for me to be able to do that, I have to have people that support my vision but also implement the devil details that I want and everything that I do.
Ioana
This is, in fact, the second most recent question we receive. How do you deal with the challenges of motherhood?
Oana
I deal with a lot of patience on my behalf. I always put this pressure on myself that I have to ongoingly work while I’m having a child and also be a woman, which was insane. And even thinking of that was insane, not actually implementing it. So one of the things that I hit very strongly in the first few months of motherhood was the fact that I can’t have them all right now, and I need to focus on each one of them, integrated one of them at a whole new level, and then bring them together motherhood, career, and womanhood. So I did what every human being should do, prioritize my needs and my outcomes and my intentions. So for the last month, I’ve just been a mother, and I’ve actually dealt with it from a place of that’s the only thing I can. And I’ve worked in my relationship with my partner to deal with the fact that I can’t do that. I can’t be a woman for you right now, and we need to deal with it and really contract with my partner that our relationship is a little bit on hold until we are actually integrating the process of parenting.
Oana
Until I did that, it was conflict, ongoingly, because the moment the child gets present in the family environment, at least the firstborn, the man also needs attention. They happen instantly. It’s just amazing seeing that. So the whole pregnancy, my partner was fully devoted to me and the baby and taking care of everybody like me, and her full-on, loving, nurturing, caressing, and spoiling me. I was like, having the best time of my life, the best partner ever. Emotional, connected, everything. The second Anna got born like literally the second Anna got born. Here’s Michael’s inner child all over the place, tantrum after tantrum. He needs attention. He’s jealous. He wants my attention. He’s the one getting the delivery. He’s the one having depression after the delivery. He’s having all the symptoms that women should have.
Ioana
Yeah. I remember when I saw him at the hospital, he was in pain. I mean, I was like, who is giving birth psychologically?
Oana
He was giving birth because I was really immersed in the physical process to even have psychology about it. That’s the funny thing about suffering and pain. When you’re in pain, you’re actually living the reality. When you’re suffering, you’re living psycho-reality. The story. The story is about reality. Yeah. And it was like the first month of our relationship. It was about him all the time while you’re literally taking care of the baby, and it’s really chaotic and you’re sleep-deprived. You’ve just had a delivery. It’s like a lot on you. And that was the most challenging thing to deal with with my partner, on top of being immersed in this whole new process that I have no idea how to do with the anxiety around the newness of the process. And this little pumpkin who was so little, so little that I was just, like, afraid that she would stop breathing or drop her out of my arms or something. So there’s a lot to integrate, and it’s very overwhelming, literally. And you need to be patient and kind of think that a big elephant is eaten piece by piece.
Ioana
You need to be patient. This is a resource.
Oana
Yes.
Ioana
Because another question we received is how do you find your resources or what are the best resources? I’m not sure it’s something that you can universalize. What works for you might not work for me, but if you were to think of some of the feminine values as resources.
Oana
This can be the most helpful in this process of motherhood patience with yourself and compassion and tenderness with your limitations because you are going to hit a long curve in time of being and feeling limited and getting triggered about it. And another resource for me, which started actually during the pregnancy, but I never really saw it as a growth opportunity, as a lesson until I actually fully engaged in taking care of Anna physically and after her delivery was owning my space and owning Anna and owning how I am taking care and raising Anna from day one, really owning the Queen that I am about raising Anna and from that place of ownership really be straightforward with people from her father to everybody around me about what I need and how I needed to support me and to support me raising Ana and to support Ana and then to support everybody who wants to be part of raising Ana, including her father. And I think very connected to ownership was intuition. My intuition got so refined, and it was such a strong process, a spiritual process of connecting with my intuition. The mother who just gave me that as a gift.
Oana
I was like literally very merged in my relationship with my intuition and using it as a spiritual tool before Anna, but after Anna is just like 100% accurate. And not seeing things ahead of time but feeling them and having emotions about them and voicing them and then having reality confirm it. I don’t know, a few days or weeks into it is just amazing. And just trusting that intuition without judging yourself or feeling guilty that you’re rejecting things or saying no to people that support you. But they’re not the right support you need. So I think it triggers a big spiritual growth process. Motherhood. But it’s an unmet spiritual question I want to ask you.
Ioana
But I’m sure it’s going to be valuable for many young moms or moms-to-be. I was assisted during your pregnancy and even after you gave birth in the creative process of making a choice. Decision-making process. C-section natural birth, giving birth in water using Anastasia breastfeeding no breastfeeding natural.
Oana
You had three midwives.
Ioana
Come on, two doctors until .4 doctors and one doctor like stupid nutrition. And there’s the whole doctor Google thing that’s invaded I mean because of you because you’re sending me links and sharing stuff. My feed in Instagram feed is invaded by young moms’ utensils and whatever. And I’m like, oh my God, everybody’s saying his or her thing, and another one is swearing on a method and you’re like facing trillions of possibilities and everybody’s so sure that’s the one method. How do you make a choice as a young man? Because you’re confused and I saw you.
Oana
You’re like, who’s right?
Ioana
He’s telling me that. He’s telling me what I choose.
Oana
This is where intriguing kicks in and your baby is going to give you the feedback. If you tune into the needs of your baby and his development, his real development, not the thing you’re projecting on him or other people project on him. If you really tune in emotionally with your kids, the kid is going to guide you to the right choice. And if you’re looking at your needs and his needs, that would be the only information you’ll need to make the best choice for yourself and your kids. And I love to have options, real quality options. And then I love to just take a distance from those options and really tune in and feel what is right for me. And if there’s something about parenting, nobody knows how to do it. It’s a personal solution. The personal system. Parenthood is a personal system. So it’s you with your baby and you have to figure it out on your own. That’s why intuition is so critical and that’s why it became such a spiritual lesson for me to a whole new level.
Ioana
Okay, last question. I have a friend who is an MD and you know her and she kept asking me during this whole motherhood process how is one. How is one? How is one? And I kept on keeping her in the loop with your process going on. And not a long time ago, a friend of hers who’s also an MD gave birth, and she’s all over the place. And she tells me, oh my God, I met this friend of mine and she’s like, I don’t even recognize her. I think she’s going mad. Please tell one on my behalf that she’s a heroine. How did she do it? And I want to end this podcast with, I know everyone has their own process and her own method and her own flow, but how do you try to avoid going crazy in this whole chaotic life that a baby brings into your life?
Oana
Well, for me, it’s the feminine practices that I’ve been really teaching and also trying on my own for many years now. And it’s really paid off. That work paid off for me hugely.
Ioana
I don’t want to interrupt you, but I can vouch that you’ve never been irrational in this whole process, like being pregnant and giving birth and the early stages of motherhood. You had your moments, but you never yelled, you never screamed, and you never smashed. Probably you did, but you hit it well. So how do you stay balanced? I don’t know how to even ask such a question, but I’m sure you get my point.
Oana
Well, I gave myself permission to do all those things, and I actually lived them consciously and with full intensity for myself. I remember the first month when the baby was with us at home, my partner was like, you’re all over the place. You’re irrational. You can’t control yourself. You’re waking up every time Anna screams. I’m with her. I’m taking care of her. She’ll be fine. You can’t just come in like an Eagle and take her away from me just because she screams. And I said, oh, yes, I can. Oh, yes, I will. Because it’s my first newborn, and I can be as irrational, as hysterical, as anxious, as fucked up as I want to be. I have this human right to be as exactly as I am, and that’s fine. And I have hormones and I’m depressed and I’m fucked up and I’m all over the place and I’m overwhelmed. And that’s fine, too. I actually had that type of conversation with him, and I educated him into giving permission for those types of reactions because they were valid. They were valid. I was in this new process. I was triggered and overwhelmed. All the less theoretical lessons you have don’t apply in the practical.
Oana
I’m so in tune with her being okay that every sign of distress can cause trauma. So I’m just like, Eagle there avoiding everything. Of course, you relax in time and try to order the irrational and the rational, but I gave myself permission. I didn’t put it on others, which I think is something that years of meditation and years of family and practice have taught me the accountability of my own emotions. I didn’t put it on others. I didn’t even put it on my partner. But I think that level of containment and balance, inner balance comes from years of practice and years of meditation. I don’t expect that just because you want it to, you have to work on it. But I gave myself permission to be depressed. I gave myself permission to be rational, to have anxiety, to be afraid. I educated people around me like my father is a perfect grandparent for Anna. And they have a special bond, a special relationship, and he’s very implied in educating. And I have two men who are taking care Of the nanny, who is taking care of Anna. And once I remember, I put them on the table and I said, I’m the mother.
Oana
I’m a Black Panther. And if you look at National Geographic, the Black Panther kills everybody, including the father. If the baby is in danger, so do not expect to be anything except animal behavior when it comes to Anna. That’s where I am. That’s how it’s going to get played out until I can become rational again and contain it, my newborn firstborn. This is how we roll. And if you want to be part of it, be part of it. But include and excite me the way I am. So I refuse any stigma or any diminishing in my family environment of my emotional state because people try to put you down like, oh, you’re not depressed or you shouldn’t be. That no, you should be exactly where you are. You should feel exactly where you feel. And unless you allow those hormones and those emotions and those cycles to flush through your whole being and be with it and integrate them, you won’t be able to reach balance. You’ll be depressed, and it will move into a crisis, a psychological crisis. And then you’ll have bursts of anger because you have not really processed whatever is going on inside.
Oana
So I think that was like a very important deep inner practice for me and the history of educating people to give myself permission to be exactly where I am without labeling you crazy, depressed, et cetera.
Ioana
Yes, because labels make you feel under pressure so it doesn’t lead you anywhere. Okay. I think we have a lot of questions, but I think we have to put an answer to this episode. But we have a surprise. Not very soon, but we are preparing a surprise regarding motherhood. So questions will be very valuable and highly appreciated. Narrowing down what would we want to know about motherhood, what would be helpful? What would answer the real challenges and questions? As many questions as you send us, the bigger the surprise would be.
Oana
Yes. Thank you. And for those young mothers and old mothers and mothers there or soon-to-be mothers, just hang on. You are brave. You are a hero and hang on there and you are seen and you are loved for chess the way you are and trust the process.
Ioana
Thank you, Oana.
